« Dress Code - Chapter 1 | Main | Governance from Madame Fem Dom compendium »

cuddling, spanking, bondage and role-play

Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2012 18:49:23 +0000
From: Autumn

I'm a 61 year old woman, since a few years on my own again after
a long and for the latter part most unfulfilling marriage of
which the last 5 years we slept separately.

Since 5 months I have a 'relationship' that stutters on a few
cylinders. We live about 500 miles apart, and he's been here
three times now. The problem (if that is the word) is that he
wants me to dominate. Dom/sub is something I'd never encountered
before, although I knew it existed.

My own sexual experience up till now had been pretty average:
groping, hardly any foreplay, and penetration. If I have to be
honest, 'frustrating and repetitive' would be an apt
description. He is becoming quite important to me. I'm not in
love, but I thoroughly enjoy his company, the banter, the
exchange of tastes in books, music, etc. He is growing on me. I
would love to keep seeing him for a long time to come. Although
it'll only be 12 times a year at the most that we'll meet up,
due to the distance, I think I can live with that, because the
times together are so fulfilling to me. I physically react to
him in a way I've never experienced before.

I'll get to the point. Although spanking, bondage, etc were
completely novel to me, I've engaged in those activities because
it thoroughly turns him on. Because I wanted to know what the
sensations were that I caused, I've been subjected to it as well
at my own request, and found it rather titillating and arousing.
But I only like it in a playful, soft, way. He likes it much
harder and longer.

I am not sure how to proceed now. I'd rather stick to living out
fantasies in and around the house, (although the odd naughty
private game in public is also part of my fantasies), but he
often talks about taking me to clubs for participation of third
parties. Although admittedly I can fantasise about that, I am
pretty sure that acting out those fantasies would result in a
nasty hangover for me. As you see, I am not staid in my
convictions. I am curious, and willing to explore, to indulge,
to indulge him, but up to a certain point. If what happens
crosses a line, it would then leave a taste in my mouth that
would be difficult to get rid of. I'm afraid it would ruin/spoil
things between us.

On the other hand - when I introduced him to the delights of
simple cuddling - something he had no experience with and was
initially not interested in - he was surprised that he liked it
so much. You see - we're both learning things from each other.

My question is - as he has had his fantasies for many years but -
as I gather - hardly had the opportunity to act them out, is it
possible that his fantasies became harder because of that? I
don't want to restrict him, but neither do I want to get into
territory that's uncomfortable for me.

In a Dom/sub relationship, is it 'allowed' to drop the role-play
every now and then? I mean - the way things are going thus far,
he comes up for 3 days at the most. I am happy to be Dominant
for a while; it is quite appealing. But I also have my own
desires, which definitely would involve snuggling up to each
other, cuddling. I have been without physical warmth for so many
years, and I crave it so much. Does this stand perpendicular to
Dom/sub? How can I fit that in without destroying/interrupting?

Sorry if I seem clumsy, but what is happening in my life now is
so bewildering, so exciting, so... dunno how to describe it. I
don't want to ruin it, but still want be able to find myself in
it. I do not believe I'm the only one who finds herself in this
position, but it's hardly a subject I can talk about with my
less adventurous friends.

Any suggestions or advice you can give me would be most



[Password] [Books] [Fem Dom Software] [Victor Bruno] [Videos / Dvd]



Thank you for posting my message, Christine.

I hope somebody can help me out. As I explained, the intervals
between his visits are so long, I don't want to ruin the
precious moments when he's with me.

In hope,



I have been on this site for years. It is difficult to be
confident in what you want when this is all new to you, but the
heart of your answer is in what you said you like.

Why not tell him, the next time there is a visit, the only
activities that will happen are the ones you want, and you will
not be taking his requests for spanking or bondage etc - it will
not happen unless you wish it to. Since he would really like you
to take charge, do it in your own way.

If you want just to cuddle, do it, if you want him kneeling or
cleaning the kitchen floor, tell him. He cannot or should not
have it both ways, you in charge but doing what he wants.

Also, maybe less so when you are in your 60s, but tell him there
will be no sex unless he does everything you say, and maybe just
orgasms for you, see how his attitude improves.

Best wishes to you.


Thank you so much for that reply, Ms Hourglass.

Although my query was submitted quite a few months ago, it is
still very much valid. You really helped me here.


with grateful thanks.




You have done really well to start exploring this. Hopefully, as
time goes by you will see what the benefits are to you and to
start wanting his submission for your pleasure and satisfaction.

I too enjoy a cuddle - when I want it

I generally, but not always like a cuddle after I have made him
give me an orgasm with oral sex. (I do not wish for a cuddle
beforehand as I enjoy foot worship for foreplay.) I simply tell
him to come and lay along side me afterwards and then allow him
to put his arms around me. He seems to find this very

Last thing at night I allow him to get on the bed (not in it)
beside me and we have a little chat and then I initiate the
cuddle. When I am ready, I simply tell him to go to bed - I
prefer to sleep by myself. Again he seems happy to be allowed
this intimacy.

I suspect that he may enjoy the cuddle more if you make it plain
that he is very privileged to be allowed to serve you in that
way. Make sure that he does not behave in a disrespectful way
(your decision as to what is disrespectful) and that you decide
when the service is to end. In other words use the cuddle as an
extension of his service and you will both get what you want.
You will not be dropping the Dom sub role, you will simply be
using it to get what you want.

The Dom sub role is about you getting what you want. He will
find it a lot more satisfying if he understands that you are
always seeking what you want in the way that you want it and that
you are not interested in doing it the way he wants unless by
some small chance that happens to be the way you want.

Let him understand that if you do smack him, have him over your
knee, cane him etc it is because that is what you want either
because the action itself gives you pleasure or because you are
going to punish him for some failure on his part.

As you are the dominant there is no question of him taking you to
clubs, you will be the one who takes him anywhere you may wish to
go, he is simply allowed to accompany you.

Do not feel pressurised into doing something you are
uncomfortable with. He may have a fantasy of being seen in
public as a submissive but that is his fantasy not yours (at this
time). It may be interesting for you to explore this verbally
with him as part of your teasing and denial, you might explore
how he views it, whether he reacts to the idea because it is
humiliating, whether it is because he is proud of you as his
dominant and wants to show you off.

He is incredibly fortunate that you are willing to explore this,
there are thousands of men out there who would give their eye
teeth to be in his position.


I've been seeing a domme... she has asked me to describe in
advance what it is I am looking for, what I want. Somehow very
little of that makes it into what actually happens. She does
what she wants - how she wants it - as it amuses her. It is
abundantly clear that I am not in charge... and that's more than
fine with me. I've done dishes for her, at her explicit
direction... it certainly sets the tone for the session. (grin)

It's not WHAT she tells me to do - it's HOW she says it...

Be confident, assertive, he will love it... and so will you.

Post your reply and DOMestic Tweet   AddToAny to share with Facebook Twitter etc    

DO NOT include an email address in your comments. Please read this if you want to do that. Posts are edited by the moderator before they appear.

[Tip:- The correct answer is "No". If "Yes" see direct contact guidelines.]

« Dress Code - Chapter 1 | Main | Governance from Madame Fem Dom compendium »