Topping from the bottom a dead end
posted by: "jonnyboy54321"
posted on: Sun, 13 Jul 2008 20:48:24 -0000
Hi all,
i have been interested in this lifestyle for as long as i knew
what it was and perhaps unwittingly longer. i am recently
divorced from a strong lady who had some interest in it at the
beginning but it waned. i am now with a wonderful lady who is
almost the exact opposite and i couldn't be happier.
Originally when we tippy-toed around the idea she was of the tie
me up and spank me(her) mind-set, intrigued and eager to
explore. i have done some spanking and did a little with her but
it is soooo not me.
Now i am afraid she may be submitting to my desires tho she says
she wouldn't be doing what she is doing if she didn't enjoy
it....
i have no cause whatsoever to complain, she is all i ever hoped
for and more. We have done a lot of furniture play from seats to
stools to toilets, some saran wrap play with in and out gags and
some talk of cuckolding and chastity... all my fantasies but
what of hers?
How do i get her to open up and be the boss? Topping from the
bottom seems a dead end i think, and i love her dearly and want
to serve her totally and keep our love alive.
j
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Replies
Posted by: Vickie | link | edited and published July 18, 2008 1:50 PM
>"How do I get her to open up and be the boss?"
You don't "get" her to do anything, jonnyboy. You do what she
wants to do. And if she wants to do nothing, I'd suggest you do
that submissively and gratefully, and see how it feels. Above
all, how she feels about it.
Vickie
Posted by: Peter Green | link | edited and published July 18, 2008 6:24 PM
Topping from the bottom, sometimes we, as subs, just have to let
go. Trust her to say what she wants and do what she wants and
enjoy the submission. I have always been in trouble when i think
too much about the bigger picture - that's the Domme's job!
Think about what she tells you to do and do as best you can. At
the end of the day if her joy comes from having you do things
you enjoy, why not?
Have fun
peter
Posted by: Mark | link | edited and published July 18, 2008 8:14 PM
jonnyboy54321 wrote:
>"How do i get her to open up and be the boss? Topping from the
>bottom seems a dead end i think, and i love her dearly and want
>to serve her totally and keep our love alive."
Ok, from my perspective, (nearly 30 years involvement in BDSM,
[always as a sub]), married to a wonderful and extremely
dominant woman and living the lifestyle 24/7:
I don't care what others tell you about not doing anything but
submitting and being "grateful" to, that's a load of hockey
pucks. No you don't want to, (nor should you), top from the
bottom, but this should be a symbiotic relationship, where your
needs as a sub are met, as are her needs as a Domme. If it
becomes too one sided, (in either direction), then one partner
will be unsatisfied and unfulfilled, and eventually neither
person is happy.
You need to learn to have the courage to communicate things with
her, not particularly in the middle of a session, but in times
just sitting around together. There's nothing wrong with
offering your suggestions or your input to improve any part of
your relationship, and if there is in the relationship, that's
not healthy. That's domineering, NOT dominating, and there is a
vast difference between the two. I know, I've had both done to
me.
My Wife/Mistress expects me to talk things over with Her, She
want' a submissive man, not a wimpy doormat. Also because of the
differences in our ages, (I'm 20 years older than She is), I
have a great deal more experience in the lifestyle to draw upon.
My Wife wants and values my advice, input and my knowledge based
on my experience, just as She values me and my submission I give
to Her. Trust me, i do NOT top from the bottom, but I also am
NOT a doormat.
Any relationship, whether lifestyle or vanilla is a two way
street, and without a way of getting your input into it, you're
not doing anything to improve it. There's no guarantee that she
will take your input in consideration, but offering it isn't
"topping from the bottom". You have to achieve the right balance
to make it work.
Posted by: Madamplz | link | edited and published July 19, 2008 3:40 AM
jonnyboy wrote:
>How do i get her to open up and be the boss?
It sounds to me as she's doing fine. It also sounds to me as
though you may be pushing her into doing more, or better than
what she's currently doing. If that's the case you will cause
her to shut down, not open up. Why don't you let her just absorb
her experiences and do as she likes? You've already experienced
more than most submissive men I know.
You say you have no cause to complain, yet in your eagerness it
would seem you intend to give her signals that she somehow needs
your help to do whatever she's doing better. It will seem like
criticism or at best a left handed compliment.
If you really wish to help her, let her know you're really
enjoying her attention and take every opportunity to show her
your willingness to submit even when the situation is not
sexual, lest she think this is simply a game in which you write
all the rules.
Madam
Posted by: jonnyboy | link | edited and published July 26, 2008 10:05 PM
Thanks to all for their input.
Vickie - i guess i was worried i was "getting" Her to do things
already and didn't want to lead the way... it seems to be
working and i suppose it's for the best as she is very new to
this.
Peter - thanks! i am indeed having fun in the lifestyle and in a
vanilla sense.
Mark - thank you, i have often felt it is neither black nor
white... has to have balance. We do talk quite a bit... perhaps
too much as it worries her that our vanilla side may suffer...
she doesn't want a doormat nor a completely dom/sub
relationship.
That being said we usually end up in our skivvies when we talk
about it as it makes us both quite... well you know :)
thanks for your input
Madam - thank you so much, i did just that (its my nature
anyway) and yesterday she came home with a dog collar, a padded
toilet seat and a crop! All new toys for her and quite different
from her previous experiences... so yes she is doing just fine
and by crikey so am i.. i could not be happier.
Yes she would never have thought of these things on her own...
honestly if you knew her she wouldn't have... and our play has
brought this out in her for good or ill who's to say... but if
there was ever anyone who deserved a willing worshipper it was
her and i sure am glad it's me that has the honour
jonnyboy