DOMestic Bdsm and Female Domination

Dear Amazonian Jane,

When I was just a wee bit of an amazon myself, I thought about
how much I enjoyed many things my partner did for me and how
they made me feel. I thought of the fact that perhaps he didn't
like doing them, but he did it cause he liked seeing me happy. I
did not focus on the fact that I didn't enjoy certain things, I
focused on the fact that I felt complete bliss, and certainly
that is how he must feel when I take complete control of a
situation. Soon over time, it became second nature and our
relationship flourished as a Ds couple. :)

Miss Vonn

Miss Vonn

The irony of being a Domme is that sometimes it takes total
submission on our part. It's almost like theatre in that you
have to emotionally engage your 'audience', lol. You have to
give in and let go to please your sub, even though you're the
one in control. His joy will increase yours, and make you feel
more at ease as time passes and you get more used to the roles.
Just my 2c, but it's worked for Mine and I.

Jane wrote:

>"I am a novice dominatrix, and find it hard to always be
>convincing as a dom to my submissive partner, which tends to
>make me nervous about what I do and say, which in turn, puts
>me and him off sex.

>I have problems with the power exchange aspect as well as I
>find it can lack emotion. We love each other, but this is a
>very important aspect of his life and has torn us apart.

>Can you advise me how I can get my confidence back, so we can
>both enjoy our sessions?

>I hope I don't sound like a hopeless case. There is an amazonian
>goddess in me dying to be set free."

First, get it out of your head that domination is simply about
sex. It's more about you finding your own power base which
carries over into the rest of your life, including sex. If you
are unaware of your power as a person then you have nothing to
exchange. If you become aware of yourself as a powerful person
or recreate yourself as a powerful person you take that frame of
mind with you wherever you go. It changes your dynamic with your
partner even if you still have sex in the same way.

If you don't feel very powerful perhaps you need to assess why
that is. Have you put more of your focus on what your partner
gets out of the relationship and not enough on what you get out
of it? Dominants are pretty aware of what they want and spend a
good deal of time in getting it. You may find that to be selfish
but as you test the water you'll begin to realize that as you
get more out of your life your partner benefits from that as
well.

Next, realize that dominating your partner is just as much about
his need to submit as it will be about you wanting to dominate
him. He's half of the equation so in that respect you're already
half way to your goal.

Do a lot of reading on this site and especially in the archives.
Save the wanking stories for when you want titillation. Follow
the posts of the dominant women on this list. You'll begin to
see that we may all have different ways of defining dominance
and all of them are valid. Some of our discussions will help you
recognize who you are as that Amazon emerges. Learn what it is
that we do that causes us to actualize as dominants. That will
help you develop your own mindset, interests and practises.

The absolute worst thing you can do is to live up to your
partner's idea of what a dominant woman is. I suspect that's
where you're currently at. It probably feels somewhat like a hat
you put on and take off. My suspicion comes from you by
describing yourself as a "dominatrix", a term which I'm guessing
you've learned from your partner. It's the definition of a
professional dominant.

Many men who've not had experience with lifestyle dominants get
their ideas of what dominant women should be from visiting pro
dominatrixes or reading wanking material written by men who've
had cash-based relationships with professionals.

Your relationship will revolve around your love as well as your
rules for living. What he wears, what he does at home, how he
prepares your breakfast, washes your lingerie, cleans your
house, and even how you spend his cash can all be elements of
what you want out of your relationship. It will have a lot more
dimension than a pro would have with her client.

You're the only one who can set your inner Amazon free so go
spend some time in the archives learning how to hunt.

Madam

Hello,

jane tetzlaff wrote:

>I am a novice dominatrix, and find it hard to always be
>convincing as a dom to my submissive partner

This opening remark implies that you are being dominant because
your partner wants you to be, rather than because it's something
that you brought to the relationship. So, right or wrong, I'll
make my reply based on that assumption.

It's perhaps fortunate that I'm qualified to start there,
because this is where I started out with David 29 years ago last
month. Heading for our 30th anniversary in June 2009, so here is
my advice...

You will only be convincing when you stop doing what he wants to
please him.

I'm not saying you can't do things he likes. I'm not saying you
will not be aware that what you do pleases him. You'll like the
fact it pleases him, and that's good. You can't re-write the
truth of your relationship, which is that he has probably asked
you to be dominant for him.

What you can do is tell him that this truth is weighing much too
heavily and is currently standing in the way of you becoming the
dominant you want to be. You need to insist that this has to
change. You need to start doing it how you want, when you want.
The scene, the relationship, has to give you the pleasure you
want.

If you are "acting" the role of dominant he will always be in
the position of judging whether your "performance" met his needs
and desires. He'll be unable to avoid judging them against his
fantasy expectations.

Because fantasies are unrealistic, your "performance" will
almost always fall at least a little short of his fantasies. A
performance, however good, is never going to be perfect.

Many subs have been rehearsing their fantasies in their own
minds since they were very young. They've honed them almost to
perfection, they think. Except that often they are wrong, they
are imperfect, and just fantasies. They are imperfect because
they are fantasies in the mind and they are untested in the real
world and severely defective as a guide to how to play in a
loving marriage.

Most actors at the end of a play on stage will feel that this or
that could have been better. Imagine how they would feel if they
had to hear or imagine the criticism of the audience. And how
much worse they would feel if their performance was being judged
against an impossible dream.

They would give up acting!

But if they got from their performance what they planned on
getting, they would feel exhilarated. That's how you will feel
when you start doing and getting what you want.

>which tends to make me nervous about what I do and say, which
>in turn, puts me and him off sex.

I'm not surprised. You have to be enjoying yourself to be in the
mood for sex. Feeling under pressure to perform for a demanding
audience is not going to work.

You need to take control of what Dom/sub is going to be for you
two, you need to make it your own.

You are the dominant so he should be expected to "perform" to
your script.

>I have problems with the power exchange aspect as well as I
>find it can lack emotion.

Decide how you would like to put your emotions into that
exchange. Decide what emotions you want from him. Tell him how
you want it to be.

>We love each other, but this is a very important aspect of his
>life

Exactly. It's a very important part of "HIS" life. It's not
something you YET own as yours, it's not even something that is
being seen by you as an important part of YOUR partnership.

Take it from him, and make it yours. Tell him he'll have to
learn to enjoy it your way or he can always head for the
highway.

>and has torn us apart.

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like he can be demanding?

>Can you advise me how I can get my confidence back,

I'm not sure I'm up to that challenge in a short post late at
night. You will become confident when you know that what you are
doing pleases you in the way you intended it to. When you are
doing it for you, you can be supremely confident that it's what
you want to do.

If he fails to allow you take the pleasure you want in the way
you want then punish him for it. My lover, David, hates to be
punished for real, he prefers fantasy punishments. If your
partner is similar he will soon shape up and give you what you
want from HIS "performance".

You may want to start by gagging him, then sit him on a stool
naked while you relax in an armchair and read him all the
print-outs of the responses you go to your post on the list.

Then you could tell him how it's going to be from now on. Tell
him what you expect from him and how he will be punished if he
fails you.

>so we can both enjoy our sessions?

You will enjoy them when you create them in the way you would
enjoy and do them because you want to do them.

But I would get away from the idea that they are sessions. Try
and integrate your dominance into a whole lifestyle. Sessions
are intense and demanding, and make you feel you are performing,
life isn't like that.

>I hope I don't sound like a hopeless case.

Not at all. Some of us have been where you are.

>There is a amazonian goddess in me dying to be set free.

Consider yourself in charge of the key to your chains.

sincerely,
Christine

The Fem Dom Training Software.
Advises on how best to train your husband/lover.
http://www.mschristine.com/program.shtml

TracieMorgan wrote:

>"The irony of being a Domme is that sometimes it takes total
>submission on our part. It's almost like theatre in that you
>have to emotionally engage your 'audience', lol. You have to
>give in and let go to please your sub, even though you're the
>one in control. His joy will increase yours, and make you feel
>more at ease as time passes and you get more used to the roles.
>Just my 2c, but it's worked for Mine and I."

Being a domme means being the dominant force in the
relationship.

Total submission, pleasing your sub is not domination but
submission. Engaging your audience might be some type of
performance art but it suggests theater, not dominance.

I agree with Christine on this. You're never going to be
convincing as a dominant unless you ARE dominant. You need to
decide what you want from both the relationship and from your
submissive and make him give you that.

That's not to say basic compatibility shouldn't also be at the
core of your relationship. It should be one of the basic
elements in any relationship. Beyond that, you should be the one
to define and steer the relationship forward.