Newbie/Intro - figuring out expectations and rules
posted by: "Ashen Spirit"
posted on: Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:37:46 -0800
Hello everyone,
My name is Monica, but most online know me as Ashen, I have been
in a relationship for 8 years, living together for the past five.
We've been talking about bondage and the like for a while now,
playing with it lightly but now are looking to go further and
truly make it a part of our lifestyle, although we both admit
that we don't really know what we're doing. Thus joining the
group and talking to people. :)
I don't know if anyone else is in our situation it's a little
different than norm, he's a submissive, and I'm dominant but
he's also bi so we have a lot of play with strap-ons as well as
other forms of intercourse.
I haven't collared him yet and sometimes I nervous that I'm not
creative enough when it comes to 'sessions' or punishments. He
loves me dearly and while committed to being my sub he is a
strong man with strong convictions and we don't want him being a
sub to turn into him being 'whipped'. He is still my partner, my
mate, I am just his 'alpha'.
(not meaning I'm better than him, that is just our preferred
title for me instead of mistress it's alpha),
Right now my biggest problem is that I seem to have difficulty
figuring out what my expectations and rules are...
I don't want to punish for petty things because.... all his life
he's kinda been the rebel type, it's something i like about him,
when I talk about collaring him I mean the 'breaking stage'. I
want him as my sub but I don't want him to be like an obedient
dog at my beck and call.
Thanks for any info/advice.
Monica
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Replies
Posted by: Mark | link | edited and published February 29, 2008 12:23 PM
Hi Monica.
First of all, keep one thing in mind; the BDSM lifestyle is as
varied as the people involved in it. We all bring our likes,
dislikes and prejudices into the lifestyle, just as we do in
anything we get into.
Thus there is no "right" or "wrong" way to practice the
lifestyle. It depends on the couple involved and what works for
them. Just as in a vanilla relationship, communication is the
key.
I'm going to give you a bit of info on my background and
marriage so you can see one way of practicing it.
I'm 46, with nearly 30 years experience in BDSM, always as a
submissive, as that's my nature. Having been involved in local
BDSM groups in the past, I learned a few things: We are all
different, (as I stated), there is an infinite variety of ways
to practice the lifestyle, and despite the best efforts of many
to claim otherwise, there is no dominant gender. It all depends
on one's sexual and psychological makeup, and how it expresses
itself.
My wonderful Wife is the Head of the Household and the final
decision maker in our marriage, but She wants, needs and values
my input, advice and thoughts. As people we are equals, it's in
the dynamics of our relationship that we are not, having a TPE,
(Total Power Exchange). Thus your comments on being your
partner's "alpha" is very understandable and apt in your
relationship.
We are as much a DD, (Domestic Discipline) couple as we are Ds,
and this approach works for us. We do practice S&M as well, but
that's more in play, the DD and Ds aspects of our marriage are
for real, and are very sharply defined and followed. My Wife
abhors disobedience and brattiness, and at the slightest sign of
either one, I am punished. This is not an issue with us, the
boundaries are agreed upon, set, known and followed, no need for
discussion in that regard, though I am allowed a chance to
explain myself.
For example, I have a daily chore list, if all the chores aren't
done, I am given a chance to explain why; If I had to go and
take care of something else, then I wouldn't be punished, if I
spent too much time on the computer, then I would be punished.
Keep in mind that if you do decide on rules and punishments,
that they don't have to be corporal ones.
I too am a strong man with strong convictions and my Wife never
wants to change that. It's just in the dynamics of our marriage
that the power exchange is complete, in other situations it
varies as is appropriate, but I'm never dominant in our
marriage.
I hope this provided a bit of insight into what works for one
couple.
Mark
Posted by: Jeff | link | edited and published March 4, 2008 8:05 PM
Well it sounds like you are very together. If he wants to submit
to you and you want him to then you have found Heaven. Of course
there is that old problem with women not knowing HOW to dominate
a man.
Ashen Spirit wrote:
>nervous that I'm not creative enough when it comes to
>'sessions' or punishments
Truthfully young lady a dominant woman is not really a sadist.
She is a purist who gives her Man/mouse what he needs. His
fantasy. A real sadist hurts unwilling slaves. In this fucked up
world of ours there is so little love and love making. I myself
can't get an erection unless a queen is punishing me WITHOUT
GUILT. How can you be guilty of sadism when you are giving your
slave what he craves?